On the Art of Self Maintainance

Some people really are just angry and in deep personal pain. There's no need to think they're angry at you specifically, though. Nor do you have to take any crap from anyone who seems overly tortured by things you don't even know about, or couldn't possibly really understand anyway. Some people are still just full of rage at everyone in their life who repeatedly humiliated them, or simply gave them no voice to protect themselves with, at some point in their painful past. And all this usually happened when they were too young and/or powerless to be able to do anything about any of the injustices done to them.

And sure, we should all just "get over it." That's what they tell you, right? The Eagles even sang a great song about it. Though I'm not certain that anybody's suffering "inner child" needs its "ass" kicked, like it says in the song.... At any rate, sorry, kids, but just like any form of genuine Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it just doesn't work that way. Quite often, even if your conscious mind thinks it's forgetting, then you're unconscious mind is probably just repressing the pain.

And repression doesn't really help anyone. Because eventually, that angry ghost inside will manifest.  And it usually rears its ugly head in ways that even you (much less those around you) can even begin to understand.  That furious child inside will come screaming out again and again and again - through substance abuse, other addictions, anti-social behavior, or a number of other seemingly unrelated symptoms of untreated anguish.

More often than not, your conscious mind doesn't really know why you did this or that, so you have to rationalize some excuse.  Any excuse.  "Well, I like to drink!" Sure, a lot of people like to drink. But not everybody likes it that much. "Well, that kid's a dumbass!  He made me yell and call him disparaging names that no child should ever hear! He forced me to be the kind of angry monster my father was! He forced me to destroy his fragile, still developing self esteem!" "Well, I'm just trying to keep everybody on the straight and narrow with my constant, self righteous Bible quotes!"

Sure. Whatever you say. Just like your angry, holier than thou parents before you always had to rationalize things. Keep enabling, keep making excuses for them, and hopefully, if you brainwashed them real good, they'll make excuses for you when you get too damn old to either heal yourself, or repent for the damage you've done to others in your unconscious rage. Sure! Let that vicious cycle continue! By all means!

But whether anyone else cares at all or not, personally, I choose to break the cycle.  I choose to be conscious. I choose sobriety and honesty. With myself and everyone around me. I choose not to use substances as a balm for the pain. I choose self help through self analysis and introspection, and to try, every single day, to plumb the depths of both my conscious and otherwise "unconscious" mind.

'Cause if you never take out the trash, so to speak, after a while, the house you live in starts to stink, real, real bad, doesn't it? Well, the human mind, just as much or more than the body IS your hearth and home. And after a while, if you don't keep your house good and tidy, nobody wants to come to visit. Eventually, if you don't learn good self maintenance skills, even YOU can't stand to live with you.

So, I will not just blindly carry on any old, abusive traditions. I patently refuse to pick on the freshmen, so to speak, just because when I was a freshman, the seniors picked on me. So "the buck stops here," just like good old Harry S. Truman used to say. The abuse goes no further. And if my sobriety, lack of self denial, or the fact that I do have a painful past (just like a lot of other people, many who suffered even worse than I did), bothers you, that's your problem. And we all have problems, great or small. Whether our conscious ego wants to admit it, or not.

Good luck with your own regimen of self help, if that approach works for you, and most of all, have a genuinely nice life, everyone!

PS - Anyone who has the sudden impulse to write in and complain that I didn't use the latest, cutting edge theories about psychology, psychiatry, or whatever, in the essay above... please... just don't. I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or Scientologist, God forbid. Nor am I any of the other highfalutin "ISTs" currently making the rounds of the social jet set. And unless (and even if) you in fact are somebody holier than thou, I honestly don't necessarily need to know about it. Your minor corrections may be helpful to me, of course. Or... in fact, they may just be your own brand of self righteous "Bible quotes." Which is fine, but I fully stand behind my own ability to self analyze. Because, just like everybody else, I, ultimately, am the best judge of what will help me heal my own damn self.